I just wrapped up my winter/spring 2010 field season. That’s my 5th field season in two years, with season #6 starting up in just a couple of weeks.
It’s been a bumpy ride. A few things in my life decided to collide over a span of 4+ months that turned me inside out and knocked me off my center. I’ve finally stopped whining. And beating myself up. I’m starting to uncurl from the tight ball I rolled up in, dust off, swallow hard and straighten my shoulders.
I’ve learned a few things about myself, namely: I’ve gotten soft. I’m more open and more inclined to let people in. My walls are nowhere near as thick as they’ve been. “Now these days are gone, I’m not so self-assured.” And yeah, I’ve needed help. I had to admit to myself that I couldn’t do it on my own.
There is a part of me that is hard to let go. It’s safe, familiar and keeps me from feeling too much. It’s gotten me through some tough trials in life. But it’s also made me hard, harsh and cold. I don’t like that side of me much. It scares me.
The current evolving version of me can be an emotional mess. It’s kinder though, and feels more honest. It cries more easily. It’s self-reflective. It feels.
All the more reason to take better care of myself.
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