Taking Chances

So many truisms, social rules and so-called sage advice call for prudence, conservatism, and “doing the proper thing.” It almost feels sometimes as if we function only for the greater good. Such lofty ideals are cold comfort when living a life of many shades of grey; when things are not cut-and-dry; when emotions spill out of their boxes.

In my lowest moments, I am tempted to step back, reign in, erect another wall, deflect, internalized, and to be fine!!

But mostly, what I want is just to be. To be blue when I am, be high when I am, be insecure, unsure of myself, feel foolish, frustrated, upset, confused, and not have to deal with all the guilt that comes with that baggage. To not listen to the voice in my head that goes: quit whining and pull yourself together! At least, not yet.

I like taking chances. But I haven’t always. After graduating from college, I set off to NYC to find a job, then to grow and develop professionally, then to build a career, then to get the most out of my career, then to find gratification in my work, then to find meaning in something outside my work, and finally, to find myself. I knew who I was but I wasn’t sure what I might become, or more specifically, what I’d dare become. So I stopped doing the proper thing, and set out to find what life held in store for me.

I like taking chances: in love, in life, in work, and in small day-to-day occasions. Like walking across a creek on a slippery wet log, or trying to scale down a mossy steep cliff wall only to abandon the attempt when the reality of a 50-foot drop set in.

Every now and again, I run into a brick wall, and it smarts. Every now and again, I have to come back the way I came, backtrack, take an alternative route, rethink, reassess, and occasionally, regret, despair and woefully admit that I don’t have my head screwed on right; that I am capable, even at the grand age of 33+, of acts of incredible stupidity.

And in my better moments, I can laugh at myself, knowing that the journey of self-discovery is a twisted labyrinth, holding many secrets, surprises, and who knows what else.

But I like taking chances. And even with all the dents, knocks, slaps and occasional closed-fist punches, I hope I never lose the chutzpah to keep on taking them.